Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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