Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
