Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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