you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
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