dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
