Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
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He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
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The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets