i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
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You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.