just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
he thought i was a dude.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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