Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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