Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
