apparently the secret to your success is patron
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm getting married
To pizza
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Don't tell me you're on acid again
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
