You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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