Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
