I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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