hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
