You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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