I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
