You can't special order awesome
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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