remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
