i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
