Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
