Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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