but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
