Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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