Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize