He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
