I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
