so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
