My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
