you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
