Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize