if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
