This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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