Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
So much rum. So many feels.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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