he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
