dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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