i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
