I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
