I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
