Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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