Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
