i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
