I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
