New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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