Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
