i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Randomize
