I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
