That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Randomize
