did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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