Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize