If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
