That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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