just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
My liver is preforming stress tests.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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