There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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