he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
