So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
