We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
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dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
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Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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