Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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