I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
