You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
