No stitches, just platelets and will power
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
