fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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